I Am Real

When KaiLi kissed me good night tonight, she hugged me an extra long time, and said, "You're the best mom I ever had... even better than the one who got me out of her tummy." I hugged her tight, and tried to gather my thoughts. She didn't give me long enough and continued on this subject with, "I'll never know my real mom, will I?" Ouch, the first time those words were uttered from her mouth hurt more than I ever imagined it would. I grabbed her little hands, got down on my knees, and explained to her that I am her real mom. I am the one who takes care of her, and loves her with all my heart, and that no matter what anyone says, I am her REAL mother. "Then what do I call that lady in China?" she replied. "You can call her your birthmother," I said. I have always been open with her about her adoption story, and given her as much information as I think she can handle at each stage. I knew eventually I would have to teach her the word "birth mother", even though I'm not a huge fan of it. She accepted this term willingly, and asked me more questions about her story. As always, I answered honestly. I told her that her birthmother must have been a really wonderful person. She asked me why I thought that, and I said, "Because you came from her, and you are a really wonderful person." This made her smile. I really am very thankful for Kai's birthmother. I think of her often, and the hard decision she had to make for Kai. I'm so thankful that she brought this beautiful baby to an orphange, where she knew she would be cared for and hopefully given a second chance at a family. I know this must have been difficult. I don't know, and never will know, the reasons for this decision, but she had other options that absolutely kill me to think about. It was rather risky to bring her to an orphanage, so she must have really loved her and wanted the best for her. I always imagine the day she left her there. I imagine her kissing Kai's fat little cheeks, and crying as she bid this 3-day-old baby a forever farewell. I'm sitting here crying right now thinking about the pain she has to endure for the rest of her life, not knowing what was to come of this child. I often think about what she is missing out on. Kai is the most wonderful daughter I could have ever dreamed of having. I'm just so, so, so thankful that she is mine. DNA or not, I am her REAL mother.

Kai's Triathlon

Kai participated in a kid's triathlon today. It was awesome! I must admit that we were supposed to be training together for this day, and I dropped out for several reasons, which I might get to later. The distances for the kids were definitely attainable, but I'm just so proud of the effort that Kai put into the whole thing. Once we got to the event, I really wish I was participating. The energy there is just so contagious, and the athlete in me misses this competitive environment.  I guess I might be living vicariously through my daughter, but really, I think she enjoys this kind of thing just as I do. I would say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but I forget sometimes that the saying doesn't even apply. No genetic relation, but this kid is just like me! All four of us were there, and we were all pretty anxious for our little triathlete. She and I both thought it was pretty cool when she got her racer number and age "marked" on her legs and arms by one of the race officials, and pinning her number onto her bike and her t-shirt were exciting too. After the announcer went through the expectations and process of the transition areas, the race was about to begin. Because she was one of the younger participants, she and a handful of other kids got to go first. I could feel her heart pounding through her chest when I hugged her good luck, and stood by her as she jumped into the pool for her 25 meter swim. She was so nervous and breathing so hard that she dog paddled the last third of the swim. She climbed out of the pool where I waited and we ran to the bike transition area. Hubby had laid out her towel, clothes and shoes by her bike before the race, so we were all set. Realizing a towel was a ridiculous item to have in this area, she threw on her t-shirt and shorts while I put her shoes on and tied her shoe-laces. Glasses and helmet came next, and dripping wet she clambered onto her bike. Her old bike was too small for her, but it was a better choice than her new bike, which was too big for her. She had to pedal extra fast on this bike to go as fast as some of the kids she was grouped with, and that she did. Her little feet went around and around, 3 times around the track, all while Joel and I were running from side to side taking pictures and cheering her on. And then it was time to run. I have never seen her run that fast, really, ever! More pictures, this time only 1 lap around the track and Baby Girl was done with her first triathlon! She was beaming as they put a medal around her neck at the finish line. She was so tired, but truly proud of herself. Later that day she played in a soccer game, and so she slept really hard that night. Surprisingly, the next morning she was asking when the next kid triathlon was going to be. I hope to be there as a participant. I would really like for this to be something we do together. I just wish the adult distances were more like the kid race. Training for the running and biking I can do in my neighborhood, with Baby Boy in tow, but the pool part is a little difficult, not to mention my lower back issues. I really do miss the competition; getting nervous at the beginning, and feeling victorious at the end of races and games... I'm so happy to see that my daughter enjoys those same feelings. I look forward to being a spectator for lots of sporting events in which my daughter is out there, loving life like I used to. I still love life, in a very different way.

Delay

I knew last night, as soon as I shut his door, that I left the phone from my bedroom in my 1-yr-old's bedroom. I thought about going back in to retrieve it, but knew that his restful state would be disturbed, and we would have to start all over with the whole bedtime routine, so I chose to leave it there. Besides, at this time of night, the only person who would likely call would be my husnband to say he was on his way home. So I called him from another phone to tell him not to call the house. I then tucked my daughter into bed and settled down myself for a quiet evening of getting some things done. When I went to bed, the snow was piling up on my front lawn, so I took the den phone to bed with me in case the school system should happen to call in the morning announcing a canceled or delayed school day. Ahh, a delay would be so nice... no snow day to make up, but a relaxed morning of sleeping in... a nice thought to end my day, as my head hit the pillow. At 5:30 this morning I heard my son crying, which was way too early for him, so I turned the monitor off and waited for him to go back to sleep. 30 minutes later my alarm clock went off, and habitually I crawled out of bed and headed down to Kai's room, dreading the morning routine of dragging her out of bed. As I was nudging her and saying her name over and over, I started waking up myself and remembering the weather... and that my bedroom phone was in Eli's room. I hurried back to my room to check the kitchen phone I brought in there last night. It was dead. I ran downstairs to see if the voice mail light was blinking. It was. The message was left by the school at 5:30am stating that school would be delayed. I ran upstairs to tell Kai to go back to sleep, but by then she was wide awake, and I heard Little Man crying still. So here it was, a delayed school day and we're all wide awake at 6am, all because I forgot my phone in the baby's room. Well, at least there would be no rushing around like usual... we had an extra 2 hours!

A poem I wrote after Kai's adoption...

LOBBY OF TEARS
by Kerry Dale Long

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.
--Chinese proverb

Tears of every emotion swelled my eyes
As the sea of yellow and lime green washed up the elevator
To the lobby on the 4th floor.

The lobby where men and women become parents
Where orphan girls become daughters,
The lobby where families become whole.

My limbs trembled with excitement
Trying to weather the storm of people rushing
Onto the crowded elevator at your heels.

Where are you going? I kept wondering
Worried that the glimpse of you may be the last
Not a rational thought in my mind.

Finally seeing you sitting there
Not truly understanding the chaos within
Made the swelling become a flood.

And then my first eye contact with you
Outside of the gazing at your picture
And clarity came quickly, followed by your smile.

Your gesture simply meant “hi”
But to me it translated into much more
It meant, I know you somehow.

Maybe during some of those moments
You were with me
Clutching that long red thread,
drawing it near.

When they placed you in my arms
And you looked into my eyes,
The red thread embraced my heart
The place I had carried you for years.

Every emotion I have ever experienced
Drenched my cheeks and chin
While your almond eyes danced with love.

Tears for my feeling of completeness
for her feeling of emptiness
for your innocence and sweetness.

Tears for my prayers finally being answered
the closing of a dark chapter of my life
watching Daddy hold you for the first time.

Tears for the shortening of that long red thread.

Happy Adoption Day!

Today we celebrated the 5th anniversary of our daughter's adoption day. As always, it brought back wonderful memories of my journey to motherhood. Many of the events and emotions during that journey are so fresh... I can't believe we will be embarking on a similar adventure soon. In honor of our oldest daughter's adoption day, I will share her Adoption Day story here:

TOGETHER AT LAST

Our bus, filled with every emotion possible, and 11 families, pulled up to the Office of Civil Affairs, the place where our dreams would finally come true. Coincidentally, the babies arrived at the same time, so as we departed the bus, a wave of orphanage workers swept the babies inside from the van in which they arrived. Anxiously we waited for the tiny elevator to take several trips up and down, until we finally made it to the lobby where we would meet our daughter. Two couches cradled 11 babies, all dressed in matching lime-colored outfits. The babies sat there very alert to the chaos around them. I immediately found the face of our daughter, whom we had seen for the first time in an e-mail just 5 weeks before this day. We made so many copies of that picture when we received it...one for our den, one for each of us to keep at work, and one for each of the grandparents, aunts and uncles. We even put one in an ornament frame on our Christmas tree... being just a couple weeks before Christmas, her referral was the best Christmas present we had ever received. And now, about a month later, I was seeing her face to face for the first time. It was the most beautiful face I had ever seen. I waved my husband over, who kept asking me, "Are you sure that's her?" I had no doubt in my mind. I so wanted to run over there and scoop her up, but we waited as the director started calling out family names. We kept taking pictures of her, and listening impatiently for our name. We stood there, beyond arms reach, waving and crying, and then it happened - her eyes met mine and she smiled, as if she knew who I was. One by one the babies were placed in the arms of their new families. I thought they were never going to call our name. When they finally called our name and put KaiLi in our arms, tears ran down my cheeks. KaiLi just smiled at me as if to say, "It's okay Mommy, we're together at last!"

Please Let It Snow

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! I know, Christmas is over, so no caroling allowed, but I'm so excited about the possibility of snow here! It's actually been freezing temps here for several days, which is so unusual, so if we do get some of that fun white stuff tonight, it may just stick! Of course they're calling for anywhere from a dusting to 1 inch, but we've been surprised before (it's been a long, long time though!) Last year we got 2 different days where the schools closed due to a whole inch of slush on the ground. Yes, the roads were a little dangerous because temperatures did dip into the freezing range, but you would have thought we were in for a blizzard the way milk and bread flew off the grocery store shelves, and the town shut down. And it wasn't even fun snow. KaiKai went out for all of 20 minutes where she attempted to sled down a hill and build a snowman. She came home unhappy and a muddy mess. Hot chocolate and a movie were the highlights of her day. And my poor little man, he was only 4 months old, and we had to call it his "First Snow." This meant we had to mark this momentous occassion with a picture. I put him in a fleece bunting, stuck mittens and a hat on him, layed him in the snow right outside our door and snapped a few photos. Of course he smiled, he always does. I don't think he even layed eyes on the stuff! So, please let it snow! Bring us a fun day of sledding and snowman building. A day without a routine, and lots of hot chocolate, and legitimate pictures of the kids having fun! Ha ha!

Adoption Terms To Know

Just realizing that I need to familiarize some of you with common terms associated with China adoption...

·CCAI - Chinese Children Adoption International (our adoption agency in CO)
·Dossier - the collection of paperwork that is sent to China
·CCAA - China Center of Adoption Affairs
·LID - Log-in Date for the Dossier into the CCAA system
·Waiting Family - What we are after LID
·Referral - When the child is matched to the waiting parents
·SWI - Social Welfare Institute, orphanage
·Embassy Appt. - Appt. at U.S. embassy in China to get baby's visa
·TA - travel approval (to go pick child up)
·FCC - Families with Children from China